joe r'n'b
dj kay slay obv reads spizzazzz (he probably googled himself in this month's spizzongs) because he has put out a song called 'not your average joe' featuring three r'n'b (and rap) joes! those joes being joe, fat joe, and joe budden. joe sings "it's joe and then we got joe and then we got joe" in the hook which is probably the funniest line in the song. fat joe doesnt say anything remarkable. a bit unhappy with how things are progressing so far, joe budden tries to get out of the whole debacle by claiming to be named bill! so to kay slay (or do you prefer drama king?): hi! this was a kind of funny idea but it didn't really work. better luck next time.
love,
toffee b.
25.2.04
five lame things
1) "sweet dreams my la ex" - suddenly evil for marking the return of the shuffle beat, so now we get "with a little help from my friends" (strangely no one is claiming this as 'shuffletech'!)
2) saying 'fiddy' instead of 50 cent. ahhh so lame!
3) saying "oh rap is so corny now, even jay-z says so!" what the fuck does he know! didn't you ever hear "sunshine"? or "moment of clarity" even? god i hate rappers who aren't 50 cent.
4) justin's "i'm so self-aware and slightly naughty!" reaction shot at every awards show ever. is this stock footage?? actually now that i think of it this is kind of cool.
5) that observer music magazine - the "she wants to move" of sunday supplements! usually i can read any old shit quite happily (especially if it's sort of free) but man, this magazine is so terrible my eyes watered.
1) "sweet dreams my la ex" - suddenly evil for marking the return of the shuffle beat, so now we get "with a little help from my friends" (strangely no one is claiming this as 'shuffletech'!)
2) saying 'fiddy' instead of 50 cent. ahhh so lame!
3) saying "oh rap is so corny now, even jay-z says so!" what the fuck does he know! didn't you ever hear "sunshine"? or "moment of clarity" even? god i hate rappers who aren't 50 cent.
4) justin's "i'm so self-aware and slightly naughty!" reaction shot at every awards show ever. is this stock footage?? actually now that i think of it this is kind of cool.
5) that observer music magazine - the "she wants to move" of sunday supplements! usually i can read any old shit quite happily (especially if it's sort of free) but man, this magazine is so terrible my eyes watered.
20.2.04
jc chasez - annoying
i get a bad feeling when i think about jc chasez. lots of people think he is better than justin timberlake and even i admit that justin can be a bit tiresome sometimes but jc is just so boring. he is even less sexy than thicke, he's not funny, his songs are pointless and unfun and full of stupid proper sounding not very good eclectic influences. he reminds me of an exboyfriend of my friend who used to live in elwood and ride a bike and wiggled his eyebrows beyond the call of necessity. he always made us listen to talking heads instead of rick astley. another bad thing i think is that jc could easily be a character on secret life of us.
i get a bad feeling when i think about jc chasez. lots of people think he is better than justin timberlake and even i admit that justin can be a bit tiresome sometimes but jc is just so boring. he is even less sexy than thicke, he's not funny, his songs are pointless and unfun and full of stupid proper sounding not very good eclectic influences. he reminds me of an exboyfriend of my friend who used to live in elwood and ride a bike and wiggled his eyebrows beyond the call of necessity. he always made us listen to talking heads instead of rick astley. another bad thing i think is that jc could easily be a character on secret life of us.
18.2.04
underdog project - winter jam
they endeared themselves to me in the summer of '99 with summer jam! "this aint nothin but a summer jam.... brown skin and cinnamon tans whoooah.... this aint nothin but a summer jam... we're gonna party as much as we can....heeeey...whoa-whoaah....heeey.... summer jam alright"
now they're back with winter jam! which is exactly the same as summer jam but they've changed the lyrics slightly ("this aint nothin but a winter jam.... good times with family and friends whoooah.... this aint nothin but a winter jam... were gonna celebrate as much as we can....heeeey...whoa-whoaah....heeey.... winter jam alright"), added an acoustic guitar, some whooshy wind whistling thru the trees noises, and a girl!
also they removed all the beats. it sounds a bit like the weird acoustic versions of dj sammy songs that were tacked on at the end of his album. the production is much better than summer jam, it's like the song is rugged up in snug woolly thermal underwear instead of summer jam's frail t-shirty beats and voice.
they endeared themselves to me in the summer of '99 with summer jam! "this aint nothin but a summer jam.... brown skin and cinnamon tans whoooah.... this aint nothin but a summer jam... we're gonna party as much as we can....heeeey...whoa-whoaah....heeey.... summer jam alright"
now they're back with winter jam! which is exactly the same as summer jam but they've changed the lyrics slightly ("this aint nothin but a winter jam.... good times with family and friends whoooah.... this aint nothin but a winter jam... were gonna celebrate as much as we can....heeeey...whoa-whoaah....heeey.... winter jam alright"), added an acoustic guitar, some whooshy wind whistling thru the trees noises, and a girl!
also they removed all the beats. it sounds a bit like the weird acoustic versions of dj sammy songs that were tacked on at the end of his album. the production is much better than summer jam, it's like the song is rugged up in snug woolly thermal underwear instead of summer jam's frail t-shirty beats and voice.
14.2.04
westwood blogology
you can pretend you're listening live with us here, if you start about one hour into saturday's broadcast!
"big up dj codpiece!"
(haha he means dj greenpeace but westwood has recently become xtra-beligerent in his position as the most famous rap dj in britain so now he hates on all other djs constantly)
"i'm the reason he's on the other station!"
lil missy: westwood is on form tonight!
last night he was shouting about how much he's into fat girls! "even though i'm a skinny thing, i like big girls", westwood said, and then dropped the bomb. damn! this evening westwood is wishing everyone's boo happy valentines day! romantic!
he just played the new 50 cent track. i didn't like it!
e crunk: 50 cent - where i'm from
you think the hooks have dried up? fuck you, hater! lil missy is insane because already tonight we've heard two brand new joints as heavy as anything off get rich or dying. 50's hooks are so good it's like he's saying "the rest of you niggas better get a r'n'b girl on the chorus cuz you can't match my catchy steez!"
50 cent: making top 40 rappers sound like bad brit-hop dudes with run-on choruses since 2002.
lil missy: eminem - bully
eminem's new anti-source song is vicious! he's saying that the only reason the source ever sells any issues is because he's on the cover. i got this month's issue and it was FULL of eminem hate. so i don't get it. and the beat is really weak, too. the weirdest thing about this song is that he sounds haggard and old.
rob them co: "zane's down with us now"
oh yeeeah i just figured out dj greenpeace is doing the all city rap show on xfm right now! zane used to host that show b4 he stepped up y'see. greenpeace fat lace click beef is totally to be encouraged, students waving around their dj yoda tv theme show mix cds are really really testing my gangsta. make it stop!
e crunk: paul rosenberg
westwood has a lot of interesting things to say about rap, like usually he will be the voice of reason in any lame broadsheet article about how rap has "cleaned up its act" (because outkast don't call people fags anymore or something), and sometimes his interview technique is really good - trying to push people into admitting they prefered rap back in the day, and erm, trying to get them to diss ja rule - but faced with eminem's manager, westwood has one burning question:
"paul, what is your all-time favourite eminem song?"
cool! next week: westwood interviews tony yayo's prison guard.
lil missy: inbetween songs
there is a lot of masculine camaraderie . the boys discuss girls who have sex with groups of men, fashion, looking at playboy in the studio and their apartments. bored now!
rob them co: r kelly - wtf
phew enough talk time for nu r kelly! kells looks so good all dressed up james brown style on the cover of the nu xxl worldwide i was never gonna not like this but it's still hotness, sounds totally in line with all the em songs that tim just played b4, all carl weathers training with rocky and being secretly better vibe, and oh here's baby birdman too! this must be off the new best of both worlds thing... i keep thinking r is gonna break out into yodelling 'lion sleeps tonight' and it feels good. no one gives him props for directing donnie darko, that film was aight!
e crunk: nu cypress hill
cancel whatever 'punk funk' song you are downloading right now and get "rock superstar" and "rap superstar" by cypress hill! because you forgot how hot they are! don't get whatever new song this is though - abandoning rap-rock won't win you any favours from spizzazzz, "b" so-called "real"
lil missy: joe budden - my new flashy 80s rnb song
this song is flashy in an 80s way. but not in a bad 80s way, it's more grimey and vice city sounding. it's like old fashioned pop but in a good way! this song is slick and funny and cute. and at the same time, it's totally dirty sounding.
i like it!
lil missy: some r'n'b jam
i like this song very much because of the fiercely strong female vocals. none of that kelis shit here! it's like she's having a total go at you - i wouldn't like to be on the recieving end of her madness!
e crunk: jay-z ft bounty killer - public service anouncement rmx
totally cool and bizarre rmx: just stick bounty killer right in the middle and then carry on like nothing has happened! there was one time when b killer was the only jamaican dude who sounded any good over rap (yo i swear just earlier today i pulled out that "suicide murder" rmx with jeru where bk does his thing over "ice cream" and "danger" and it still kills), it was all mad lion's fault! anyway, it's cute to have him back with a straight dancehall vs new york thing, and this is a durably heavy beat!
lil missy: young gunz - no better love
whenever westwood announces that he's playing a song "for the ladies" you can tell it's going to be a pervy one. this young gunz song is no exception! sorry but if someone said to me they wanted to be my mother and my brother, i'd be, like, ew!!
rob them co: kanye west - thru the wire
ahh man i always file this away in the outtray but every i hear it it's so damn fresh, this is still the definitive kanyekazi 4ever! it's a shame no one can afford to buy the whole of 'i'm still standing' off elton john to stick on the end of this tune like how it is on the 'get well soon' mixtape, it's like naked in the rain skyscreaming worldchampion amazingness.
lil missy: kanye west - all falls down
this song is sleepy and soulful. it's mellow and fruitful and peaceful and i like it very much. kanye also has a sexy and commanding voice and i think that's why it works so well against the chilled vocals. i'm sure i'll get bored of it if i hear a lot of it, so i am taking it in lil doses.
e crunk: some song wot samples that epmd beat ft p diddy
erm sorry about the vagueness! anyway once upon a time spizz was gonna do a goth r'n'b day but like most other things we never got around to it. luckily that doesn't mean goth r'n'b was finished yet! here it is resurrected by some dude (who we will call 'joe r'n'b' [no, not joe]) and it manages to incorporate epmd drums and a puffy verse! the only thing that really makes it goth is some heavy synth washes but if that isn't good enough for you then step off! so would anyone like to tell us what this is?
e crunk: outkast ft sean paul - hey ya rmx
terrible!
some reggae dudes doing a cover of "hey ya" and changing the chorus to "ganja"
terrible but my 14 year old self is like, yeah man! hitting switches
lil missy: a romantic interlude
there is a girl in the studio and when westwood figured out she wasn't with her boyfriend, he said: "we got some loose change in here!" ew! and he keeps saying how beautiful she is and saying happy valentines. westwood sounds totally wasted. he is dishing out a lot of romance advice tonight. he advises all the boys to wear aftershave, and get their girl's gifts and flowers. he's saying that if you give your girl gifts, then she'll pay back in full. westwood is so totally dirty... in a really good way! pharrell please take note!
e crunk: usher/lil jon/ludacris - yeah
take that and rewind it back, lil jon got the beat make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, urrsherr got the voice make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, ludacris got the flow make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, lil jon got the beat make ya booty go *clap*
if you are insane and you don't like this song yet, just keep playing this bit!
you can pretend you're listening live with us here, if you start about one hour into saturday's broadcast!
"big up dj codpiece!"
(haha he means dj greenpeace but westwood has recently become xtra-beligerent in his position as the most famous rap dj in britain so now he hates on all other djs constantly)
"i'm the reason he's on the other station!"
lil missy: westwood is on form tonight!
last night he was shouting about how much he's into fat girls! "even though i'm a skinny thing, i like big girls", westwood said, and then dropped the bomb. damn! this evening westwood is wishing everyone's boo happy valentines day! romantic!
he just played the new 50 cent track. i didn't like it!
e crunk: 50 cent - where i'm from
you think the hooks have dried up? fuck you, hater! lil missy is insane because already tonight we've heard two brand new joints as heavy as anything off get rich or dying. 50's hooks are so good it's like he's saying "the rest of you niggas better get a r'n'b girl on the chorus cuz you can't match my catchy steez!"
50 cent: making top 40 rappers sound like bad brit-hop dudes with run-on choruses since 2002.
lil missy: eminem - bully
eminem's new anti-source song is vicious! he's saying that the only reason the source ever sells any issues is because he's on the cover. i got this month's issue and it was FULL of eminem hate. so i don't get it. and the beat is really weak, too. the weirdest thing about this song is that he sounds haggard and old.
rob them co: "zane's down with us now"
oh yeeeah i just figured out dj greenpeace is doing the all city rap show on xfm right now! zane used to host that show b4 he stepped up y'see. greenpeace fat lace click beef is totally to be encouraged, students waving around their dj yoda tv theme show mix cds are really really testing my gangsta. make it stop!
e crunk: paul rosenberg
westwood has a lot of interesting things to say about rap, like usually he will be the voice of reason in any lame broadsheet article about how rap has "cleaned up its act" (because outkast don't call people fags anymore or something), and sometimes his interview technique is really good - trying to push people into admitting they prefered rap back in the day, and erm, trying to get them to diss ja rule - but faced with eminem's manager, westwood has one burning question:
"paul, what is your all-time favourite eminem song?"
cool! next week: westwood interviews tony yayo's prison guard.
lil missy: inbetween songs
there is a lot of masculine camaraderie . the boys discuss girls who have sex with groups of men, fashion, looking at playboy in the studio and their apartments. bored now!
rob them co: r kelly - wtf
phew enough talk time for nu r kelly! kells looks so good all dressed up james brown style on the cover of the nu xxl worldwide i was never gonna not like this but it's still hotness, sounds totally in line with all the em songs that tim just played b4, all carl weathers training with rocky and being secretly better vibe, and oh here's baby birdman too! this must be off the new best of both worlds thing... i keep thinking r is gonna break out into yodelling 'lion sleeps tonight' and it feels good. no one gives him props for directing donnie darko, that film was aight!
e crunk: nu cypress hill
cancel whatever 'punk funk' song you are downloading right now and get "rock superstar" and "rap superstar" by cypress hill! because you forgot how hot they are! don't get whatever new song this is though - abandoning rap-rock won't win you any favours from spizzazzz, "b" so-called "real"
lil missy: joe budden - my new flashy 80s rnb song
this song is flashy in an 80s way. but not in a bad 80s way, it's more grimey and vice city sounding. it's like old fashioned pop but in a good way! this song is slick and funny and cute. and at the same time, it's totally dirty sounding.
i like it!
lil missy: some r'n'b jam
i like this song very much because of the fiercely strong female vocals. none of that kelis shit here! it's like she's having a total go at you - i wouldn't like to be on the recieving end of her madness!
e crunk: jay-z ft bounty killer - public service anouncement rmx
totally cool and bizarre rmx: just stick bounty killer right in the middle and then carry on like nothing has happened! there was one time when b killer was the only jamaican dude who sounded any good over rap (yo i swear just earlier today i pulled out that "suicide murder" rmx with jeru where bk does his thing over "ice cream" and "danger" and it still kills), it was all mad lion's fault! anyway, it's cute to have him back with a straight dancehall vs new york thing, and this is a durably heavy beat!
lil missy: young gunz - no better love
whenever westwood announces that he's playing a song "for the ladies" you can tell it's going to be a pervy one. this young gunz song is no exception! sorry but if someone said to me they wanted to be my mother and my brother, i'd be, like, ew!!
rob them co: kanye west - thru the wire
ahh man i always file this away in the outtray but every i hear it it's so damn fresh, this is still the definitive kanyekazi 4ever! it's a shame no one can afford to buy the whole of 'i'm still standing' off elton john to stick on the end of this tune like how it is on the 'get well soon' mixtape, it's like naked in the rain skyscreaming worldchampion amazingness.
lil missy: kanye west - all falls down
this song is sleepy and soulful. it's mellow and fruitful and peaceful and i like it very much. kanye also has a sexy and commanding voice and i think that's why it works so well against the chilled vocals. i'm sure i'll get bored of it if i hear a lot of it, so i am taking it in lil doses.
e crunk: some song wot samples that epmd beat ft p diddy
erm sorry about the vagueness! anyway once upon a time spizz was gonna do a goth r'n'b day but like most other things we never got around to it. luckily that doesn't mean goth r'n'b was finished yet! here it is resurrected by some dude (who we will call 'joe r'n'b' [no, not joe]) and it manages to incorporate epmd drums and a puffy verse! the only thing that really makes it goth is some heavy synth washes but if that isn't good enough for you then step off! so would anyone like to tell us what this is?
e crunk: outkast ft sean paul - hey ya rmx
terrible!
some reggae dudes doing a cover of "hey ya" and changing the chorus to "ganja"
terrible but my 14 year old self is like, yeah man! hitting switches
lil missy: a romantic interlude
there is a girl in the studio and when westwood figured out she wasn't with her boyfriend, he said: "we got some loose change in here!" ew! and he keeps saying how beautiful she is and saying happy valentines. westwood sounds totally wasted. he is dishing out a lot of romance advice tonight. he advises all the boys to wear aftershave, and get their girl's gifts and flowers. he's saying that if you give your girl gifts, then she'll pay back in full. westwood is so totally dirty... in a really good way! pharrell please take note!
e crunk: usher/lil jon/ludacris - yeah
take that and rewind it back, lil jon got the beat make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, urrsherr got the voice make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, ludacris got the flow make ya booty go *clap*
take that and rewind it back, lil jon got the beat make ya booty go *clap*
if you are insane and you don't like this song yet, just keep playing this bit!
peter andre - an australian perspective
i ws a bit younger than lil missy when i first knew about peter andre because andre the buff ws of course from my homeland, australia! before he became well known internationally for 'mysterious girl' (his most tropical song) and his defined abs and super gelled hair, he had hits just here in australia for songs such as the funky junkie and gimme some kind of sign. he does, as missy says, have a summer sound, which makes a lot of sense when you consider that he grew up in sunny queensland which is full of pineapples and bananas and abs. the video for 'the funky junkie' ws full of joy and peter danced around with a beautiful girl who wore a sarong. peter himself wore multicoloured stripey jeans and no top - to show off his striking torso. i still really like gimme some kind of sign and i sing along to it quite involvedly if it's on the radio. it would usually only be played on double T fm nowadays though. hopefully there will be a resurgence of peter andre airplay now that he's releasing the new song insania. but i'm totally looking forward to hearing insania too! it reminds me of the group taxiride who also made up a word for their music: imaginate.
i ws a bit younger than lil missy when i first knew about peter andre because andre the buff ws of course from my homeland, australia! before he became well known internationally for 'mysterious girl' (his most tropical song) and his defined abs and super gelled hair, he had hits just here in australia for songs such as the funky junkie and gimme some kind of sign. he does, as missy says, have a summer sound, which makes a lot of sense when you consider that he grew up in sunny queensland which is full of pineapples and bananas and abs. the video for 'the funky junkie' ws full of joy and peter danced around with a beautiful girl who wore a sarong. peter himself wore multicoloured stripey jeans and no top - to show off his striking torso. i still really like gimme some kind of sign and i sing along to it quite involvedly if it's on the radio. it would usually only be played on double T fm nowadays though. hopefully there will be a resurgence of peter andre airplay now that he's releasing the new song insania. but i'm totally looking forward to hearing insania too! it reminds me of the group taxiride who also made up a word for their music: imaginate.
11.2.04
mya ft chingy - fallen (zone 4 rmx)
winmx, the most rap-friendly of file-sharing appz, suggests the og version of "fallen" is surprisingly popular! surprising because not in my wildest dreams would i think anyone wanted to hear the mysterious and talented mya singing over an especially annoying pharcyde song. whose fucking bright idea was that!? maybe mya is in the kanye-led cabal currently hustling the takeover of rap and r'n'b, who are all like 'well actually "93 til infinity" was just as good as "nuthin but a g thang"'. yes yes, dudes-of-a-certain-age, revolutionary ('but gangsta') thinking! 'each tribe album has reflected a different period in my life,' they seem to be saying. just kill me! it has to be all about maturity, like rejecting the essential immaturity of the undie/mersh divide and saying, blah blah what's good is good, i'm just tryna be real! "the first nigga with a benz and a backpack" ('look, i can still make funnies while being mature!')
i can feel that even if it's a totally boring sentiment. and i can't really fuck with this cabal because it has probably allowed people like the heatmakers to buy nice houses and stuff (and make a ton of amazing beats!) just cuz they use samples! cool! oh yeah, kanye is still great too, except for that dreary-ass "all falls down" song (somehow even more annoying since he re-recorded the lauryn hill sample).
the remix of "fallen" is vaguely in line with the cabal - it has familiar samples and it could almost have been a freestyle fellowship beat - but it has that cool over the topness that you can often only find on soundtrack albums (this is on barbershop 2, go out and buy it!). afrika drums, whining synths, dramatic stop-starting, hand-claps, that sound from "south bronx", it's all here! mya sounds good as always but chingy is the kick: his voice is so associated with digital sheen that when his verse explodes it's like... wo. when did anybody else bother to be so energetic? probably not since souls of mischief, huh!
winmx, the most rap-friendly of file-sharing appz, suggests the og version of "fallen" is surprisingly popular! surprising because not in my wildest dreams would i think anyone wanted to hear the mysterious and talented mya singing over an especially annoying pharcyde song. whose fucking bright idea was that!? maybe mya is in the kanye-led cabal currently hustling the takeover of rap and r'n'b, who are all like 'well actually "93 til infinity" was just as good as "nuthin but a g thang"'. yes yes, dudes-of-a-certain-age, revolutionary ('but gangsta') thinking! 'each tribe album has reflected a different period in my life,' they seem to be saying. just kill me! it has to be all about maturity, like rejecting the essential immaturity of the undie/mersh divide and saying, blah blah what's good is good, i'm just tryna be real! "the first nigga with a benz and a backpack" ('look, i can still make funnies while being mature!')
i can feel that even if it's a totally boring sentiment. and i can't really fuck with this cabal because it has probably allowed people like the heatmakers to buy nice houses and stuff (and make a ton of amazing beats!) just cuz they use samples! cool! oh yeah, kanye is still great too, except for that dreary-ass "all falls down" song (somehow even more annoying since he re-recorded the lauryn hill sample).
the remix of "fallen" is vaguely in line with the cabal - it has familiar samples and it could almost have been a freestyle fellowship beat - but it has that cool over the topness that you can often only find on soundtrack albums (this is on barbershop 2, go out and buy it!). afrika drums, whining synths, dramatic stop-starting, hand-claps, that sound from "south bronx", it's all here! mya sounds good as always but chingy is the kick: his voice is so associated with digital sheen that when his verse explodes it's like... wo. when did anybody else bother to be so energetic? probably not since souls of mischief, huh!
2.2.04
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