five shitty songs produced by the neptunes
tha liks - best u can
this came out at that time in 01 when djs (one of whom may or may not have been me) were desperately picking up anything with the neptunes name on because people really really liked hearing "i just wanna love u" and "southern hospitality". those songs didn't really sound like anything else in their sets, so the logic went that maybe if you filled a whole hour with neptunes beats it would be like having a special magic key to open people's hearts and stop them walking right past you to the crappy upstairs room on the way back from smoking in the toilet.
so it was the path less travelled. it was the path to buying some absolutely terrible records. alkaholiks pretty much only sound good over dirty untouched funk samples, they don't need some awkward pattern that sounds like a sped-up version of one of rza's drum machine nightmares. i'm not even sure i believe they drink anymore.
ja rule - pop niggas
"certain niggas need to be kissin the ground that i walk / shuttin up when i talk, its rule in full floss" yeah whatever ja. sorry if i didn't recognize that you were in full floss. like pharrell and chad didn't give you this beat just to rip the piss. honestly, i like ja a lot sometimes but he has probably made the most embarrassing rap songs of this century.
that song on the second kelis album
don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.
n*e*r*d - baby doll
did you ever play that n*e*r*d album and have a sudden moment of clarity where you thought, why am i listening to smart-arse weedheads make fun of all my favourite music? oh? no, me either. this is a pretty good song but there are lots of reasons to hate it anyway: there's some kind of spy-theme guitar preset on it that makes me want to bash my head against something; pharrell takes that whispering and sighing thing to it's natural conclusion and then carries on regardless; the re-recorded real instrument version is probably as horrendous as any other song with real instruments; the original version of the album never came out on vinyl - maybe i'd like it more if i had the chance to listen properly and not through my computer, huh; finally, it's just really annoying. ineptunes more like.
jay-z - excuse me miss
can jigga get his "grown man" on for a sec? ew! probably the worst jay-z single ever, and the most annoying video of the year, all thanks to pharrell and his creepy falsetto.
28.5.03
27.5.03
dj skribble and mr reds
four reasons i hate that stupid record with flipmode:
1) everyone i know was like, "oh e crunk loves this type of shit, he's gonna get this the day it comes out." man, i do not love when people make terrible comedy-sounding dance-hop records for some cringe-worthy breakdancing demonstration on kids satellite tv. (ok normally i would love it.) (also, it was cool when big ted used to present trouble.)
2) yesterday i heard "woo hah got you all in check" on the radio and i could finally listen with refreshed ears - busta kills it 4real! his staggered flow back then was genuinely exciting. it would hardly be fair to judge his current hotness on this record. ironically i am very much going to judge his current hotness on this record. busta sucks.
3) all flipmode songs suck too, except when rah digga gets a verse.
4) come on, deep down you know it's the worst song ever.
four reasons i hate that stupid record with flipmode:
1) everyone i know was like, "oh e crunk loves this type of shit, he's gonna get this the day it comes out." man, i do not love when people make terrible comedy-sounding dance-hop records for some cringe-worthy breakdancing demonstration on kids satellite tv. (ok normally i would love it.) (also, it was cool when big ted used to present trouble.)
2) yesterday i heard "woo hah got you all in check" on the radio and i could finally listen with refreshed ears - busta kills it 4real! his staggered flow back then was genuinely exciting. it would hardly be fair to judge his current hotness on this record. ironically i am very much going to judge his current hotness on this record. busta sucks.
3) all flipmode songs suck too, except when rah digga gets a verse.
4) come on, deep down you know it's the worst song ever.
lisa la bella maffia
i swear i was excited as anyone about lisa going solo, i mean you don't get to be the first lady of so solid by being embarrassingly shit. you have to be really cool and you have to put up with megaman and harvey clowning around like a pair of dicks while you're being cool, shit ain't easy! i assumed the icy cool thing would be the settee around which the living room of her career could be assembled, like you know, she could have got some weird sounds and kept the house tempo. but all "it's all over" proves is that the supposedly glittering post-ukg brit urban explosion = let's all go back to making completely inept fake-grimey pop-r'n'b again. thanks a bunch lisa! once again, who the fuck decided no one could make proper ukg pop records anymore??
i swear i was excited as anyone about lisa going solo, i mean you don't get to be the first lady of so solid by being embarrassingly shit. you have to be really cool and you have to put up with megaman and harvey clowning around like a pair of dicks while you're being cool, shit ain't easy! i assumed the icy cool thing would be the settee around which the living room of her career could be assembled, like you know, she could have got some weird sounds and kept the house tempo. but all "it's all over" proves is that the supposedly glittering post-ukg brit urban explosion = let's all go back to making completely inept fake-grimey pop-r'n'b again. thanks a bunch lisa! once again, who the fuck decided no one could make proper ukg pop records anymore??
25.5.03
the 50 cent update
what's been happening with the cleanest-smelling rapper in the game?
- he put out this dvd, and i was like, come on i'm not buying a fucking dvd of 50 cent trying to talk through his bullet hole about the same shit he always talks about (the only really good thing he ever said in an interview was about ashanti's sideburns), but me and lil missy were watching it in the record shop and dude is just walking the streets, looking for fans or hustling or something, when he sees some cops and hilariously pretends to steal their guns! that's gangsta.
- jay-z jumped on 50's rhyming-over-other-people's-beats mixtape style on his s carter collection and made you look like a dick for saying he fell off.
- the 50 cent bootleg 12" guide: they're all shit! and they all have terrible sound quality! except this top-value one which has the 50/tupac song (actually a bit rubbish compared to the 50/biggie one, but you get the instrumental), the completely amazing snoop rmx of "p.i.m.p" (number one spizzazzz summer anthem), the sean paul collab (number 382 spizzazzz summer anthem), and finally the g-g-g-g unit remake of busta's "i know what you want", which is approximately four times as good as the original. all on a single record! that's some half-price-tix for the chinese state circus type value. i'm still looking for "magic stick" on 12 so i don't have to buy lil kim's shitty album. (also there's the nike ad rmx of "in da club" - nice weirdo neptunes beat but probably better with someone else's accapella over the top.)
- everyone keeps quoting that "fat kid love cake" line from "21 questions" like they're telling you some big secret and we didn't all notice it the first time. yes, yes, we laughed, but then we moved the fuck on! it's like some people can only absorb one stanza every three months.
- the album still gets better with every listen!
- the back and forths with ja rule are all on the 'completely impenetrable argument with your girlf/boyf which you foolishly try to explain to your friends like it made any fucking sense in the first place' tip. busta, why the fuck are you even involved?!
what's been happening with the cleanest-smelling rapper in the game?
- he put out this dvd, and i was like, come on i'm not buying a fucking dvd of 50 cent trying to talk through his bullet hole about the same shit he always talks about (the only really good thing he ever said in an interview was about ashanti's sideburns), but me and lil missy were watching it in the record shop and dude is just walking the streets, looking for fans or hustling or something, when he sees some cops and hilariously pretends to steal their guns! that's gangsta.
- jay-z jumped on 50's rhyming-over-other-people's-beats mixtape style on his s carter collection and made you look like a dick for saying he fell off.
- the 50 cent bootleg 12" guide: they're all shit! and they all have terrible sound quality! except this top-value one which has the 50/tupac song (actually a bit rubbish compared to the 50/biggie one, but you get the instrumental), the completely amazing snoop rmx of "p.i.m.p" (number one spizzazzz summer anthem), the sean paul collab (number 382 spizzazzz summer anthem), and finally the g-g-g-g unit remake of busta's "i know what you want", which is approximately four times as good as the original. all on a single record! that's some half-price-tix for the chinese state circus type value. i'm still looking for "magic stick" on 12 so i don't have to buy lil kim's shitty album. (also there's the nike ad rmx of "in da club" - nice weirdo neptunes beat but probably better with someone else's accapella over the top.)
- everyone keeps quoting that "fat kid love cake" line from "21 questions" like they're telling you some big secret and we didn't all notice it the first time. yes, yes, we laughed, but then we moved the fuck on! it's like some people can only absorb one stanza every three months.
- the album still gets better with every listen!
- the back and forths with ja rule are all on the 'completely impenetrable argument with your girlf/boyf which you foolishly try to explain to your friends like it made any fucking sense in the first place' tip. busta, why the fuck are you even involved?!
21.5.03
lumidee - never leave you (uh oh)
i don't like "get busy" much anymore - as lil missy suggests, listening to sean paul is often one long "why do you humans cry?" moment (looking at him is even more disturbing!) even when he's got the infectious hook. "never leave you" is probably as far away as it's possible to get while you're still on the diwali, in fact the best thing about it is the way everyone's favourite cutting edge riddim is stripped of its sometimes oppressive now-ness by lumidee's slightly amatuerish voice (separating it from wayne wonder's "no letting go" which is really good and touching too but that dude is slick!) and that sickly sweet melody.
so it gets that heartbreaking late-summer nostalgia thing going where it could be a lost commercial radio anthem from when i was thirteen instead of something that people self-consciously bump to in the nearest club that wouldn't let my badly-dressed ass in. i'm pretty glad it didn't come out when i was thirteen though, because i would have been too busy listening to suede or something. everybody wins!
i don't like "get busy" much anymore - as lil missy suggests, listening to sean paul is often one long "why do you humans cry?" moment (looking at him is even more disturbing!) even when he's got the infectious hook. "never leave you" is probably as far away as it's possible to get while you're still on the diwali, in fact the best thing about it is the way everyone's favourite cutting edge riddim is stripped of its sometimes oppressive now-ness by lumidee's slightly amatuerish voice (separating it from wayne wonder's "no letting go" which is really good and touching too but that dude is slick!) and that sickly sweet melody.
so it gets that heartbreaking late-summer nostalgia thing going where it could be a lost commercial radio anthem from when i was thirteen instead of something that people self-consciously bump to in the nearest club that wouldn't let my badly-dressed ass in. i'm pretty glad it didn't come out when i was thirteen though, because i would have been too busy listening to suede or something. everybody wins!
11.5.03
pop news update
alesha from mis-teeq (the one who originally wanted to be a p.e. teacher) says the garage scene has "fizzled out" and that she was unhappy with the scandalous remixes:
i had another quote about how bangin the remixes for the new single are but somebody nicked my copy of inpress.
jay-z and beyonce
in suffolk! ok maybe not in suffolk. but they're getting married! and beyonce's new song is pretty good.
alesha from mis-teeq (the one who originally wanted to be a p.e. teacher) says the garage scene has "fizzled out" and that she was unhappy with the scandalous remixes:
i had another quote about how bangin the remixes for the new single are but somebody nicked my copy of inpress.
jay-z and beyonce
in suffolk! ok maybe not in suffolk. but they're getting married! and beyonce's new song is pretty good.
pharrell ft jay-z - frontin
it's kind of like beautiful part two but, up until the jay-z part, the liquid guitar arrangement is like the most private kind of sentimental moment which you can't really share with anyone because they will know you are a lamer! for serious, it sounds like pharrell would be the most annoying, simpering boyf who is always too quick to cry and too quick to reveal his feelings. of course he's a successful dude so he won't have to regret this record later like i would undoubtedly regret spilling this type of shit to anyone. never show weakness!
in another very real way i haven't even listened to the lyrics properly yet, the song is called "frontin" for fucksake, so i've probably got it all wrong. the jay-z part gets this sinister bassline, an old nerd trick which always comes off like "haha you think it's so cool to be the awkward motherfucker who grew up listening to soul in my bedroom so i could make all these tracks sound so effortless - fuck that, it was the dark side!". this part isn't as good but it's still probably my favourite song of the year.
it's kind of like beautiful part two but, up until the jay-z part, the liquid guitar arrangement is like the most private kind of sentimental moment which you can't really share with anyone because they will know you are a lamer! for serious, it sounds like pharrell would be the most annoying, simpering boyf who is always too quick to cry and too quick to reveal his feelings. of course he's a successful dude so he won't have to regret this record later like i would undoubtedly regret spilling this type of shit to anyone. never show weakness!
in another very real way i haven't even listened to the lyrics properly yet, the song is called "frontin" for fucksake, so i've probably got it all wrong. the jay-z part gets this sinister bassline, an old nerd trick which always comes off like "haha you think it's so cool to be the awkward motherfucker who grew up listening to soul in my bedroom so i could make all these tracks sound so effortless - fuck that, it was the dark side!". this part isn't as good but it's still probably my favourite song of the year.
1.5.03
linkin park - faint
this song kind of fits in with "stop sign"! and tatu's "not gonna get us"! but also with this ace av8 bollywood breaks thing i found the other day. is it a healthy climate when all this disparate stuff could be seamlessly mixed? yes, it probably is! "faint" is linkin park with guns blazing (guns with bullets made of shouting and bulging neck veins and angst), a brilliant corny-ass indian string loop adding enough to the formula to make it all hyped and swinging. plus, for the last time, mike shinoda is one of the best mcs around at the moment! the whole of meteora is beginning to sound amazing now that i've got past the crushingly familiar chord progressions.
obviously this rvw was only posted to show that linkin park are permanent residents at hotel spizzazzz!
this song kind of fits in with "stop sign"! and tatu's "not gonna get us"! but also with this ace av8 bollywood breaks thing i found the other day. is it a healthy climate when all this disparate stuff could be seamlessly mixed? yes, it probably is! "faint" is linkin park with guns blazing (guns with bullets made of shouting and bulging neck veins and angst), a brilliant corny-ass indian string loop adding enough to the formula to make it all hyped and swinging. plus, for the last time, mike shinoda is one of the best mcs around at the moment! the whole of meteora is beginning to sound amazing now that i've got past the crushingly familiar chord progressions.
obviously this rvw was only posted to show that linkin park are permanent residents at hotel spizzazzz!
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