replaceable

replaceable


yes. we at spizzazzz have finally had efuckingnough of "irreplaceable". jack cable can stop talking about how he finds the rogue 'e' annoying when we see it on tv. rob them co can start hating stargate again. lil missy can go back to her le tigre cds. i can still not listen to any music. holla!

booty luv - boogie 2nite (seamus haji rmx)

look. tweet's song "boogie 2nite" - ever popular with german dudes willing to press 500 copies of their fav r&b memories - has been hed kandi'd. and its really good! the og was good too but this is better. where the fuck is tweet??

'she was seen recently leaving a recording studio with timbaland and rozonda "chilli" thomas of tlc which could quite possibly be resulting in collaboration between chilli and tweet over a timbaland beat, either for chilli's debut solo album or tweet's next installment.'

here is the best msg board ever discussing the bootyluv version.

(quiet round ere innit)

x factor live

x factor live blogology with facelift, lil missy and tony bennett



bloody hell it's big band night with the labour party's old-left firebrand tony bennett tutoring the factists in how to hold a glass of whisky! tute on, tony!

ray - aint that a kick in the balls

ray looks like he has come into his element, having been a creepy winebar weirdo with the face of a five year old from the beginning. i can't stand him!

dionne - for once in my life

last week simon said she ought to practice her performances in the mirror AND I AM INCLINED TO AGREE, she does this weird angry swaying from one foot to the other which surely must be the dance step of someone who weighs about fifty stone! and dionne doesn't! (her arms are quite manly though.) her voice is okay however, and tonight she is wearing a massive white orchard on the side of her head and looks very good!

lil missy says: cute flower in her hair! she looks really cute, which is weird because she was a 'proper minger' (welsh accent) during the auditions. louie is such a knob, all he ever does is dish out praise. the rows between the judges are getting more and more scripted and lame. i hate how the audience is always anti-simon, when sharon is such a knob. i know that's mean but she's pissing me off for real now with her chipmunk voice! sorry, last night we went out and i ended up getting very pissed, so right now i am in my undies feeling very sick

nikitta - sway

as she says, 'the comments i got don't hurt me as they are just people's opinion'. i had to google this song and the top versh was michael buble! i would like to point out that i love his heartfm anthem "let me go hoooooooome!!!". why can't motherfuckers just let him go home??? anyway nikitta: i'd hit it. she looks and sounds a bit like charlotte church but less black.

lil missy: fucking hell, she has dropped so much weight! she's getting skinnier by the week! cute dress. she's mad out of tune though. maybe she'll stay in the show since her mum died and that's the only thing i know about her. wow, i'm such a bitch when i;m hungover!! ha ha i thought that random man dancing with her was cowell! sharon says 'i've got bras older than you at home' - gross! there's a mental image i don't need, sharon!!

ben - smile

me and lil missy were talking about x factor this week and decided there should be an r kelly theme ep, so this gruff joe cocker big balled long haired muso could go 'MY MIND'S TELLING ME NOOOOOO!!! BUT MY BODY! MY BODY'S TELLING ME YEEEESS!!!' i don't know this song but he just went, 'YOU MUST KEEP ON TRYING!!!' over a single lonely piano note. very disturbing. simon has a soft spot for twatty old rocker men - he's on ben's dick like he was on journey south's dick last year.

lil missy says: oh my god, this is horrible. what a dreadful song! they play this at starbucks and it makes me horribly angry. my camera broke AGAIN. maybe i should just get this till xmas?

the macdonald bros - cant take my thighs off of u

tiny-faced prats bumbling around in the dark: ooh lets wear kilts. lets drop a guitar solo. lets kill ourselves! twinkling eyes will probably get them through forever, but the lesson from sam and mark is that people tire of cutesy diddymen very quickly cos they cannot be taken serious! i'm not sure they can be described as real humans SORRY GUYS. if i was a cutesy diddyman i would scowl at everyone all day long in case they thought i was anything but a murdering fuck!

lil missy: this is what i have to say about the mcdonalds brothers: GAY. they actually turned my stomach!

leona - summertime

i'd hit it. i like her gawky early-mariah movements, they are very endearing. her voice is technically good but not sure it is likeable! but i'd hit it! simon just 'snogged' sharon, so she 'snogged' him back. it was quite fake.

lil missy: this is such a lovely song and she has such a good voice! her hair looks awesome, too. two very enthusiastic thumbs up. simon and sharon are grotesque. my tv is behind me, i can't see owt.

kerry - fuck knows

horrid voice. annoying ratty face. what's to like! kate thornton doesnt even lift her over her shoulder at the end of her performance and struggle to carry her across the auditorium, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF ANYTHING. oh but kate did pointedly just go, 'are you okay??' no kate, she's not okay, she can't bloody walk!

ashley - fuck knows pt2

ooh big haired ash fluffed his words! i think he could do something hot if he was given a vaguely new song to work with. can anyone tell me if there are plans to perform MODERN SONGS WHICH PEOPLE ACTUALLY KNOW in this series? i miss things like shayne doing "cry me a river". lil missy has buggered off now and i'm on autopilot!

robert - mr bojangles

frankly robert is a complete pussy. last week he went mental doing "try a lil tenderness" but after simon called him 'desperate' OUCH he toned it waaaay down when he had to perform it again. i hate that shit! did mop tell us to stick to our gunz for nothing??? he can sing though, is that good??

lil missy: ha ha when sharon said 'you're going to see another side of robert tonight', there was a silence and then someone in the audience sniggered. do you remember when gareth gates did this song? he ruined it forever for me. it was really bad. i mean, the song kind of sucks anyway. oh yeah and robbie fucked it up, too! his wife was on itv2 the other day with their kids... they're really in love! therefore i hate them both

eton rd - mack the knife

they are probably already one of the greatest boy bands ever: three scouse anyones and a brian molko androgyne who stands a short distance away from the other three to emphasize that he is the weird different one! AMAZING IDEA. however i paid no attention to what they just did sorry.

lil missy: the brett anderson one has de-emoed his hair! i can see his forehead! they are all very cute and i hope they win and get famous and play at brighton pier next year!

OKAY THEN!

OKAY THEN!!!!!!

if we were a rich blog

if we were a rich blog

na na na na na na na na na na na na na na naaa. erm well we'd start by paying gyptian $375 to say 'these are some spizzazzzist times'

yummy bingham - one more chance

yummy bingham - one more chance



i am feeling yummy's awesomely ambivalent argument for getting back together: 'crazy days and selfish ways / are what we live through / and i'll only share them with you' ...so. not gonna change then eh?? there are perhaps no easy days with her but the wonder of this song is yummy's plea for acceptance and thuddishly dinky beat are so charming that i totally would give her about eighty four more chances.

late night futuresex love songs

late night futuresex love songs

hello radio producer readers! we had a idea: commercial radio's late night love songs format, in which love songs are played late at night, could probably be applied more specifically to a urban audience. with mostly new songs. by some station or other. it would work basically cos there is a lot of good soft-ish music around at the moment! with an inclusive attitude it would also counter soft-ish music being shouted down by blaring club juggernauts rap/dancehall/d&b. so the content would break down like this

rnb/nu soul balladism would obv provide the meat and potatoes. should be approached with populist's ear, but go deep too. like wot dj b does. there are a lot of euro balladists listening online waiting to call a dj on his wackness. better disable all email. allow request half hour so "knockin the boots" gets played every night. could be playing, you know, avant/nicole - "lie to me" or ciara - "promise" at the moment

one drop/nu roots reggae stuff like nanko's "lucky you", where people are sad or in love. remakes and rmxs of rnb songs. perhaps avoid gross songs about promiscuous women going to hell but whatever its all good

post-wifey sad rng cos britain's ama-teur divas are recording one million similar songs in flukes's bedroom right now. (shola looks astonishing in that pic btw, like she was kidnapped by radio 1 after blearily opening the back door to collect her semi skimmed. the bastards! and as rtc once pointed out, if she married shola ameobi they would both be called shola ameobi) (and if sadie married paul o'grady...)

assorted broke beat/soulful house/deviation type music patronising it may well sound, but this type of music would sound awesome in a lnls context. sometimes its about love. sometimes its about THE MUSIC ITSELF. or a combination of the two, like that song "dont stop the music" by bugz in the attic. in fact i asked the guys from bugz what they thought, and they told me 'we dont just break beats, we break hearts too... and your face motherfucker!' i was bundled to the ground and set upon. you're in guys!

so. plz put it on 11pm-1am monday-thursday, get some non-div to present it, and we promise to listen.

open your heart

here!

soundbwoy entertainment - back in the day

soundbwoy entertainment - back in the day



you know what's great? when people only update their myspace if they want you to vote for them in the mobos! must be real busy in the studio. it is impossible to find fault with soundbwoy and his various singing entertainaz though, doggedly updating the achey breaky summer/winter jam type sound, kinda swerving when they threaten to hit an obv ukg signifier AND YET embracing the spirit more than anyone else possibly could in 06.

"back in the day" is as nimble and sweet as both big mixes of previous uktop40 scraper "never wanna say" but the ladysingers get more chance to shine, like they are looking for that killer counter cf next "too close" when anonymous lady goes 'step back ur dancing kinda close / feel a little poke coming throoo on yoooo' and we all go yeeaaahhh even though it is a bit gross! also "back in the day" doesnt have that div on it.

what i saw today with my own two eyes

what i saw today with my own two eyes

the guy from black grass helping up an old man who had fallen over in the street. better go buy his records now eh!

(apologies for the prancehall-esque nature of this post, NEVER AGAIN)

westwood's new show

westwood's new show

as part of the in new music we trust strand. kinda weird but aight! news about the jay-z album, played out bangaz chart, reggae chart with goldfinger (er what the chart is based on is unclear but at least goldfinger admits "ghetto story" is new to precisely nobody), old badboy freestyle session, and... a rundmc primer.

ok so that last part seemed like satire, and i thought, didnt r1 spend the last ten years grimly eradicating the need to introduce entire genres over and over again to the hairy cornflake audience. but er it is freshaz week, and it gives westwood a chance to mine the archives for interview gems (here's rundmc defending the "its like that" j nevins rmx, its cute), so maybe next week he'll do a krs one primer and we can hear that show when he called westwood a div and they had a massive row!

overall it seems that r1 weeknights are turning very 6music, a throwback to when new music was gently cushioned between familiar songs we can all agree on, with precisely that obnoxious attitude informing everything - colin murray's show is spectacularly corny cosiness with jokes and promises never to play "hey ya" immediately followed by playing that killers 'i got soul but i'm not a soldier' song as if that was somehow less exposed?! doesn't seem like they trust new music that much.

ciara - promise



ciara's janet tribute is still better than janet's janet tribute!

anyway. wow this is aces. ciara builds up two years worth of spazzy electro rnb and bloody bubblecrunk notoriety, then sort of flicks at it like it's a load of well organized dominoes. any expectations you may have about a new ciara single work in favour of swaying-on-the-spot, bjork-drummed devotional ballad "promise" cos a) you will be totally confounded which is usually quite nice, and b) ciara's voice will make everything seem 10x more pop than it really ought to be anyway.

and if you dont give a toss about ciara's career arc, all i can say is this is a very real and very beautiful song. and i love that guitar-synth sound in the chorus. and i love her spoken word declaration to 'never... never EVER hurt you.' quite scary!

(i feel bad for paul poli cos now when someone like mariah picks up the phone and says 'get me that polly pauly polow guy' she's probably gonna get polow da don)

(but polow da don is very good)

'honesty is the most important thing to me'



i hate yooooooo. expect lots of coverage of the new r1 shows next week on spizzazzz EVEN THO NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.

(my fav colin/edith moment was a few months ago when colin was on holiday and edith was doing that 5 decades of r1 thing where listeners choose a record which has been played on the same day in the past, and she just could not comprehend her audience picking alice deejay's "better off alone" over fucking shitass "blue monday" by new order. what a laugh!)

(ahhhh remember this??)

(months and months after that post we saw a CERTAIN BLOGOSPHERE SPANNER on some msg board going, 'hey guys have you heard this song that goes 'you can do it get ur ass in it'? tune of the year!' and erm well it was funny)

bob sinclar / cutee b / dollarman / ali b - rock this party

wot? oh right it is a danceploitational composite of

- c&c music factory's "gonna make you sweat"

- fatman scoop

- (vague approximation of) the coolie dance

and your eyes and ears can bug out in wtf fashion but after 30-odd listens i am really starting to feel the almost-whispered delivery in the verses. for spitting the boringest lyrics ever written they are strangely effective!

not feeling the cry of 'wipe me off!' tho. not in this lifetime bob.

all saints - rocksteady

a bit 138 trek. or you know, even more like artful dodge's "ruffneck sound" but with all saints over the top singing a propellerheads james bond theme thing. it sounds desperately afraid of being ignored by the fickle public. not a good look.

there's this thing at the moment where first single off album has to have a big sign which says YOU COULDNT POSSIBLY MISTAKE THIS FOR A BALLAD COULD YOU, cutting out an enormous swathe of options for modern pop ppl. i mean look at janet and "call on me" which a) isnt even that ballady, b) has a 'tune' (cf every twatty paper and internet rvw ive read) and c) is perfectly aight, but it seemed like non-rnb people* just could not pick it up on their hearing radars** at all, so expectant are they that every comeback single or new album campaign will try to outdo the last one for fantastic pop wackiness. and desperate, uncomfortable all saints is what you get!

* not that rnb people didnt hate on it as well but they had different reasons

** yes these are sometimes called ears but i mean we are all selectively listening and no record has been lashed out at more erm offensedly this year than "call on me", which i must assume is to do with 06 values and expectations rendering the song literally inaudible! it is certainly a failure on the terms it has been judged but i think any other year would have been a lot kinder to it, just as 1997 would have been a lot kinder to "rocksteady".

r.i.p. rnb



...in dedicated show form on radio 1. it's the last ever soul nation tonight. it wasn't really that good for the last year or so cos he had this stupid arbitrary 'chart' that meant precisely nothing and ruined the flow, but me and trev have had so many good times and sometimes he could really deathlessly support a good record. summer 1997 was swv "can we" summer cos of him!

(and spoony's last show was on sunday! he may have stopped repping garage or indeed any music five years ago but i was sad anyway. and to rub salt into my wounds his last weekend anthem was that fucking "push" by pharoah fucking monch, what a spectacularly poor song!)

paula deanda / lil wayne - easy

intro: 'danja!', cries danja just before the verse. he is some kind of timbaland protege. i am gonna stick my neck out and say he is a classically trained muso cos there's one hundred different keyb and guitar things threatening to go on throughout. i like the general vibe cos it can be described as UPBEAT. it's a bit like ciara's "hotline"

verse: when i'm out shopping its like having a gun, says paula. i dont get it

chorus: something strangely unsatisfying about the chorus but to be fair it sounds better every time i play it. danja orchestrates five more queasily sinister synth sounds which arent really sinister at all, they're just great

post chorus: this is my favourite part when she goes 'cos you so - damn easy' and sounds sneeringly dismissive of not just the undignified spods throwing themselves at her every day, but also of every other man, woman, child and pet she's probably ever set eyes on

guest verse: lol rappers

coda: danja pulls out an almost-guitar solo from his box of showy tricks. paula changes her sneering to 'dont be so - daaaamn easy' down a time-stretched phone-line, awesome! this song is from here btw

fergie & her THE DUTCHESS album, spoilered

- two wicked, breezily unconcerned electro jams which end in 'ous'

- two trademark IMPRESSIVELY BAD IDEA black eyed pea songs (temptations' "get ready" earnestly updated as my humps pt2, bored one at the end for festival goers who enjoyed "lets get retarded")

- one reggae ballad with rita marley sung in suspiciously ska punk manner before the twist two and a half minutes in: it was gonna be the mighty mighty fergtones all along!

- at least two other songs that will strike you as a bit ska wars by the end of the album when ferg has revealed her agenda

- one awesome welding together of sassy electro ferg and ska ferg called "voodoo doll"!

- one unashamedly trip hop song called "velvet"! (i feel perhaps groundlessly that ska and trip hop were 90s sides of the same coin so this makes perfect thematic sense when it comes on)

- one midtempo thing (which is breezy too, it is a breezy ska album!) where she sounds like blu cantrell

- one big attempt at second single glorious whitneyballad which i hope does well

- one acousticy big chorused sad song called "big girls dont cry" :-( probably co written by fefe dobson, the veronicas and sky mangel

1xtra f-house watch

erm last time i listened target could barely manage 3 f-house songs before someone txted in demanding some "body groove". looks like the scene's over! but "cure and the cause" is still big on daytime.

(how long have heartless crew been in aiya napa now?? UPDATE: it doesnt look like they are ever coming back now :()

(also big on daytime: lame jamelia rmx of her lame song, corrine jimmy rae, lupe fiasco - DO I SENSE THE INPUT OF DAVID CAMERON/RHYMEFEST COUNTRYSIDE ALLIANCE)

uk top ten with facelift & lil missy

scissor sistaz - i dont feel like dancing
there was a special time last year when me and jack cable realised the guy from scissor sisters looks EXACTLY like this guy who worked in brighton rap store m*c ch*ck (rip), it was one of them staring you in the face moments which makes life worth living. i spose its not very entertaining for anyone else though. fuck you! anyway, "i dont feel like dancing": it's annoying, and unlike old ss singles it doesnt get any less annoying the 4000th time you hear it, well done!

there is a disconnect between the song's obv belief that it is in a joyous disco rock continuum when the actual lumbering effect is more like the automatic or hard fi with some falsetto singing, but lucky for ss the world wants the latter anyway.

lil missy sez: i once had a flatmate who i dubbed 'fuck me baby' because that's all i ever heard her shout all night long, and she LOVED the scissor sisters.

justin - sexyback
ugh the album is such a fucking downer!

lil missy sez: i thought i'd be more excited about jt's comeback single. i did dance to this song last night when i went out dancing. i read a review of justin's new album in the guardian this weekend which mentioned his dodgy lyrics. one of which was 'i'll take you to dubai' and the guardian was like, 'why, so you can hang out with jim davidson?' and that made me lol since my friend bee is in dubai right now with jim davidson and she's playing polo with micheal jackson. so suck on that subsection!

nelly furtado - promiscuous
ugh the album is such a fucking downer!

lil missy sez: the best thing about the vid is timbaland! he has the cutest face, EVER! i know he was really cute in 'cry me a river' but in this one it's just through the roof. i want to talk to him on the phone! i was walking into town with my best friend lucy this week and she started making weird noises and i realised that she was singing this song. and now i think it's kind of good!

robbie williams - rudebox
people, or at least radio one djs, have often acted like this is a unfathomable departure for rw, but HELLO I DONT WANNA ROCK DJ??? i think when rock dj came out it had a really strong chorus and rw was untouchable as #1 pop act so its insaneness was contextualized as to be invisible. now he is an old bastard and even though rudebox is pretty good fun the chorus aint that strong so its like, omg wtf are you doing rob we just wanna feeeeel!?

the vid positions him as elder statesman of pop huffing and puffing at young people's music while lithe 19 year olds frollic around him, not unlike a fat northern madonna. 'ah yes my pretties ive seen it all now, MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A LAUGH'. bit unpleasant but preferable to the my drug hellisms of his previous 92 videos.

lil missy sez: JUSTIN'S SO MUCH BETTER. everyone is still rocking 'angels' on their x factor audition. i am loving this series a lot. i was surprised that eskimo blonde didn't get through though, they made 'viva forever' which was the spice girls lamest single sound really good! sharon always agrees with simon and louis. i think i'm getting a crush on louis which is really weird because i think he's a dick, especially when he said girls aloud were too chubbs when he was also managing westlife at the time who were a load of fat bifters themselves. ugh, i hate westlife. but there's something about louis and his twinkling eyes!!

shakira - hips dont lie
lil missy sez: i danced to this last night even though it's balls! i still don't like this at all. i HATE the way she sings. 'oh baby when you talk like that! it makes me sing like a twat!' okay, maybe it's growing on me a TINY bit. but when that man starts shouting, 'shakira! shakira!' that's well annoying. my boss wants to be known as shakira, for mysterious personal reasons.

snow patrol - chasing cars
i dont quite know

what? what is it you dont know?

how to say

HOW TO SAY WHAT??

how i feel

ohhh, how you FEEL. well come on spit it out you binner

those three words / are said too much / they're not enough

that's one in the eye for conventional romance! ive got three words for you too

forget what we're told / before we get too old / show me a garden that's bursting into life

you're a pervert!

lil missy sez: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzBORINGzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

lemar - its not that easy
number eight eh? maybe it's just from download sales, i dunno. one time i wrote this shitty rvw of lemar's song "50/50" where i suggested jay-z's "can't knock the hustle" was rubbish. i must have been in a weird mood or something cos it's aces! i could bellow the mary j part all day long! i don't think i will ever bellow a lemar song but who can say. he is on the new sony bmg imprint called white rabbit, what's that all about??

lil missy sez: this boy i know who is as straight as you like revealed his huge man crush on lemar over august bank holiday weekend. it was quite a surprise for all of us! when he got pissed he'd shout, OH LEMAR! weird, right? i think i like that song about not having sex with boys too soon, that they always play at my local wetherspoons, better than this one. doesn't lemar have lovely eyes? huge, celery coloured eyes! pretty!!

beyonce - deja vu
lil missy sez: lets face it, most of beyonce's songs are mad boring. this is another boring one, maybe it'll grow on me the way that 'baby boy' with sean paul did, but i don't think so! the best thing about beyonce is her fashion and dancing.

the feeling - never be lonely
b-b-b-baby / i think im going c-c-c-crazy wow this motherfucker must be crazy since he's stuttering and everything. dont mind if i do! (actually i am quietly impressed by this part but the rest is awful)

lil missy sez: this is really DUMB. i hate this. it sounds like old fashioned music that's really bad. UGH.

chamillionaire - ridin
if i can just get boring about it for a sec, one thing i always notice about "ridin" is how it announces the drum track in the intro in order for the drums to become invisible for the rest of the song, cos since you've heard them unadorned there is no curiosity or working out to be done, cham has said THESE ARE MY DRUMS (and they are really good and distinctive drums) so then you can get on with the spitting and the synths and the general drama of the song. i like that! (obv not a new trick in the world of music but this is a strong example.)

lil missy sez: he's just tryin to bone, he ain't tryin to have no babies!! how cute was chamillionaire when he won that award at the vmas? i thought that was so cute! when he was talking about racial profiling and how 50 cent was telling him he was going to win but he didn't think he would. i'm glad he won best video because i think the video is jokes! (even though i don't think it's meant to be). this is the best song in the top ten!

popworld & the folly of seamless continuity

no really, why oh why do the presenters appear before their pre-recorded show on the (presumably?) less pre-recorded t4 in their pre-recorded show clothes? it is just such a 'thing'! motherfuckers are gonna singlehandedly drive me to ocd!

track 01s PART TWO

miss issa - move with you

the millenium was quite a long time ago now! i know this cos i saw j-lo's "waiting for tonight" video and wondered aloud why they were celebrating 20:00 so enthusiastically. surely the party was just limbering up and j-lo, as vip of all vips, shouldnt have arrived yet? it's just bad form!

so er "move with you" is very charming. it has the bpm to perhaps fit in someone's open-minded f-house set or a soca show or maybe at a push the bjaxx album. but it always makes me think of "waiting for tonight", in its unfashionable feet-blistered latenite beach volleyball way, if wft had nothing in particular to celebrate; j-lo has the millenium and the beginning of her gloriously wonky pop career, while miss issa struggles for the tiniest sliver of positive 06 context before admitting defeat after three minutes - the ever-present acoustic guitar rattle conks out at the end like she pressed stop on a old vestax turntable, threw down her mic and consigned the rest of her album to useless rnb. (which she did, oh well.)

but it is still very charming!

us5 - maria



i am quite bored today but i just got perked up by this euroton boyband thing on b4. not quite as blissfully incongruous as tevez to west ham but close: spangly pieces, flamenco guitar audacity, cries of MA-RI-A!!!, bad hair, worse hair, and if you ffwd to 2:33, proper spazz dance break of the sort which used to have you rolling around the floor crying with laughter when j-lo did it. the kind that makes me want / to settle down and just get married oh yeah. euros are so real sometimes.

the worst video of all time

jamelia and her song "something about you" - it's like will young light my fire pt2 but not funny! stop having dinner parties! please!

i was on the fence about the song cos it sounded ok in jack cable's car but see this in a boy's eyes: JAMELIA YOUR CAREER IS AN EXPENSIVE JOKE

kandi on beyonce

'i always have to give respect to beyonce. i love her drive and how she basically is always trying to top herself.'

:-o

the rest is here. (via monicas)

go listen to "irreplaceable" now

here. cos it's a classic.

(kelly rowland to do entire album which sounds like this in 2009 i hope!)

how "hips dont lie" won the summer



1) everyone loves shakira

i suppose! lil missy's mum does. the thing about shakira is her differentness is so furiously wholesome there is almost no one in the charts you could call more inclusive. she is happy to play around with genre - often something which can come off as spiky and totally not inclusive at all (cf. n furtado half the time, erm beck?). but her approach isnt to tackle a genre, it is to apply mollifying internal shakiralogic to it; kinda wrapping it up in cotton wool and leaving it on your doorstep with a note saying 'please look after me'. watch the video again and decide you dont love shakira

2) everyone loves making their own mind up in their own time

l allen and n furtado have had big summer hits too, but they have been surrounded by pingponging attention, debate, blather, which, while not necessarily changing people's minds, inevitably tires them the fuck out. shakira is (currently) pitched just right to be invisible to haterism. no one has been forced to form an opinion on "hips dont lie" and no one has been shamed out of itunesing it or buying the cdsingle. it is the one massive summer tune which has been allowed to make its merry way in the world

3) everyone loves wyclef

i'm inclined to believe this one just because i really love wyclef! time's right for him to make a secret mega comeback away from pretend public opinion. come on you want him to succeed too

4) everyone loves reggaeton

although shakira's way with genre means you will likely not even notice it, i think its valid to say this summer was the perfect time for a r-ton drum pattern to be on a massive hit... in the uk. after anyone's bothered enough to say, 'gosh i'm listening to some reggaeton!!!', after any press coverage is done with, (and there wasnt a lot), "hips dont lie" marks r-ton's core element as being perfect for easy assimilation in the wider pop world. perhaps not a terrible surprise 1,000 years after "murder she wrote", but no one else used that kind of beat for ages!

soon, people wont have to be spanish, understand r-ton, become r-ton, or even pay pretend lip service to r-ton to use its spidery synth or drum pattern, because anything that is so so effortlessly danceable demands to be added to the general club/pop armoury for when some producer in some studio decides how best to flip their hook. for better or worse obv

5) everyone loves lord tariq & peter gunz

cos im quick to slide off and slide this dick up in your wife :-x

(oh yeah look who pops up at the start of that vid!)

fight for f-house now

...because it is under attack from dubstep flavas

b-day: is it like sarai?

the internet still regularly hating on beyonceballads + sarai classic "ladies" being perhaps as far as anyone can get from a ballad = here is your handy guide to the leaked clips

green light


irreplaceable


kitty kat


suga mama


upgrade u


freakum dress


get me bodied


(not trying to make a point but "irreplaceable" sounds amazing - 'you must not know bout me / you must not know bout me' holla)