bloody hell it's big band night with the labour party's old-left firebrand tony bennett tutoring the factists in how to hold a glass of whisky! tute on, tony!
ray - aint that a kick in the balls
ray looks like he has come into his element, having been a creepy winebar weirdo with the face of a five year old from the beginning. i can't stand him!
dionne - for once in my life
last week simon said she ought to practice her performances in the mirror AND I AM INCLINED TO AGREE, she does this weird angry swaying from one foot to the other which surely must be the dance step of someone who weighs about fifty stone! and dionne doesn't! (her arms are quite manly though.) her voice is okay however, and tonight she is wearing a massive white orchard on the side of her head and looks very good!
lil missy says: cute flower in her hair! she looks really cute, which is weird because she was a 'proper minger' (welsh accent) during the auditions. louie is such a knob, all he ever does is dish out praise. the rows between the judges are getting more and more scripted and lame. i hate how the audience is always anti-simon, when sharon is such a knob. i know that's mean but she's pissing me off for real now with her chipmunk voice! sorry, last night we went out and i ended up getting very pissed, so right now i am in my undies feeling very sick
nikitta - sway
as she says, 'the comments i got don't hurt me as they are just people's opinion'. i had to google this song and the top versh was michael buble! i would like to point out that i love his heartfm anthem "let me go hoooooooome!!!". why can't motherfuckers just let him go home??? anyway nikitta: i'd hit it. she looks and sounds a bit like charlotte church but less black.
lil missy: fucking hell, she has dropped so much weight! she's getting skinnier by the week! cute dress. she's mad out of tune though. maybe she'll stay in the show since her mum died and that's the only thing i know about her. wow, i'm such a bitch when i;m hungover!! ha ha i thought that random man dancing with her was cowell! sharon says 'i've got bras older than you at home' - gross! there's a mental image i don't need, sharon!!
ben - smile
me and lil missy were talking about x factor this week and decided there should be an r kelly theme ep, so this gruff joe cocker big balled long haired muso could go 'MY MIND'S TELLING ME NOOOOOO!!! BUT MY BODY! MY BODY'S TELLING ME YEEEESS!!!' i don't know this song but he just went, 'YOU MUST KEEP ON TRYING!!!' over a single lonely piano note. very disturbing. simon has a soft spot for twatty old rocker men - he's on ben's dick like he was on journey south's dick last year.
lil missy says: oh my god, this is horrible. what a dreadful song! they play this at starbucks and it makes me horribly angry. my camera broke AGAIN. maybe i should just get this till xmas?
the macdonald bros - cant take my thighs off of u
tiny-faced prats bumbling around in the dark: ooh lets wear kilts. lets drop a guitar solo. lets kill ourselves! twinkling eyes will probably get them through forever, but the lesson from sam and mark is that people tire of cutesy diddymen very quickly cos they cannot be taken serious! i'm not sure they can be described as real humans SORRY GUYS. if i was a cutesy diddyman i would scowl at everyone all day long in case they thought i was anything but a murdering fuck!
lil missy: this is what i have to say about the mcdonalds brothers: GAY. they actually turned my stomach!
leona - summertime
i'd hit it. i like her gawky early-mariah movements, they are very endearing. her voice is technically good but not sure it is likeable! but i'd hit it! simon just 'snogged' sharon, so she 'snogged' him back. it was quite fake.
lil missy: this is such a lovely song and she has such a good voice! her hair looks awesome, too. two very enthusiastic thumbs up. simon and sharon are grotesque. my tv is behind me, i can't see owt.
kerry - fuck knows
horrid voice. annoying ratty face. what's to like! kate thornton doesnt even lift her over her shoulder at the end of her performance and struggle to carry her across the auditorium, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF ANYTHING. oh but kate did pointedly just go, 'are you okay??' no kate, she's not okay, she can't bloody walk!
ashley - fuck knows pt2
ooh big haired ash fluffed his words! i think he could do something hot if he was given a vaguely new song to work with. can anyone tell me if there are plans to perform MODERN SONGS WHICH PEOPLE ACTUALLY KNOW in this series? i miss things like shayne doing "cry me a river". lil missy has buggered off now and i'm on autopilot!
robert - mr bojangles
frankly robert is a complete pussy. last week he went mental doing "try a lil tenderness" but after simon called him 'desperate' OUCH he toned it waaaay down when he had to perform it again. i hate that shit! did mop tell us to stick to our gunz for nothing??? he can sing though, is that good??
lil missy: ha ha when sharon said 'you're going to see another side of robert tonight', there was a silence and then someone in the audience sniggered. do you remember when gareth gates did this song? he ruined it forever for me. it was really bad. i mean, the song kind of sucks anyway. oh yeah and robbie fucked it up, too! his wife was on itv2 the other day with their kids... they're really in love! therefore i hate them both
eton rd - mack the knife
they are probably already one of the greatest boy bands ever: three scouse anyones and a brian molko androgyne who stands a short distance away from the other three to emphasize that he is the weird different one! AMAZING IDEA. however i paid no attention to what they just did sorry.
lil missy: the brett anderson one has de-emoed his hair! i can see his forehead! they are all very cute and i hope they win and get famous and play at brighton pier next year!
