five shitty songs produced by the neptunes

tha liks - best u can

this came out at that time in 01 when djs (one of whom may or may not have been me) were desperately picking up anything with the neptunes name on because people really really liked hearing "i just wanna love u" and "southern hospitality". those songs didn't really sound like anything else in their sets, so the logic went that maybe if you filled a whole hour with neptunes beats it would be like having a special magic key to open people's hearts and stop them walking right past you to the crappy upstairs room on the way back from smoking in the toilet.

so it was the path less travelled. it was the path to buying some absolutely terrible records. alkaholiks pretty much only sound good over dirty untouched funk samples, they don't need some awkward pattern that sounds like a sped-up version of one of rza's drum machine nightmares. i'm not even sure i believe they drink anymore.

ja rule - pop niggas

"certain niggas need to be kissin the ground that i walk / shuttin up when i talk, its rule in full floss" yeah whatever ja. sorry if i didn't recognize that you were in full floss. like pharrell and chad didn't give you this beat just to rip the piss. honestly, i like ja a lot sometimes but he has probably made the most embarrassing rap songs of this century.

that song on the second kelis album

don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.

n*e*r*d - baby doll

did you ever play that n*e*r*d album and have a sudden moment of clarity where you thought, why am i listening to smart-arse weedheads make fun of all my favourite music? oh? no, me either. this is a pretty good song but there are lots of reasons to hate it anyway: there's some kind of spy-theme guitar preset on it that makes me want to bash my head against something; pharrell takes that whispering and sighing thing to it's natural conclusion and then carries on regardless; the re-recorded real instrument version is probably as horrendous as any other song with real instruments; the original version of the album never came out on vinyl - maybe i'd like it more if i had the chance to listen properly and not through my computer, huh; finally, it's just really annoying. ineptunes more like.

jay-z - excuse me miss

can jigga get his "grown man" on for a sec? ew! probably the worst jay-z single ever, and the most annoying video of the year, all thanks to pharrell and his creepy falsetto.