the 50 cent update

what's been happening with the cleanest-smelling rapper in the game?

- he put out this dvd, and i was like, come on i'm not buying a fucking dvd of 50 cent trying to talk through his bullet hole about the same shit he always talks about (the only really good thing he ever said in an interview was about ashanti's sideburns), but me and lil missy were watching it in the record shop and dude is just walking the streets, looking for fans or hustling or something, when he sees some cops and hilariously pretends to steal their guns! that's gangsta.

- jay-z jumped on 50's rhyming-over-other-people's-beats mixtape style on his s carter collection and made you look like a dick for saying he fell off.

- the 50 cent bootleg 12" guide: they're all shit! and they all have terrible sound quality! except this top-value one which has the 50/tupac song (actually a bit rubbish compared to the 50/biggie one, but you get the instrumental), the completely amazing snoop rmx of "p.i.m.p" (number one spizzazzz summer anthem), the sean paul collab (number 382 spizzazzz summer anthem), and finally the g-g-g-g unit remake of busta's "i know what you want", which is approximately four times as good as the original. all on a single record! that's some half-price-tix for the chinese state circus type value. i'm still looking for "magic stick" on 12 so i don't have to buy lil kim's shitty album. (also there's the nike ad rmx of "in da club" - nice weirdo neptunes beat but probably better with someone else's accapella over the top.)

- everyone keeps quoting that "fat kid love cake" line from "21 questions" like they're telling you some big secret and we didn't all notice it the first time. yes, yes, we laughed, but then we moved the fuck on! it's like some people can only absorb one stanza every three months.

- the album still gets better with every listen!

- the back and forths with ja rule are all on the 'completely impenetrable argument with your girlf/boyf which you foolishly try to explain to your friends like it made any fucking sense in the first place' tip. busta, why the fuck are you even involved?!