it's funny because it's true
skillz comes with another annual rap up of topical punchlines! look for him to start a blog in 04 if rawkus still won't put out his album.
"everybody forgot about the girl that made the 'uh oh' song"
:(
28.12.03
03: what aguilera done did
ahh i love aguilera! just look at these covers, that "can't hold us down" one must be the coolest thing i've seen all year, except for elf. out of all megastar types she elicits the most interesting reactions. at the time c.h.u.d. (chud!) was released all the internet shit about her was like, "oh it's obvious aguilera and lil kim have reached some kind of nadir in the trend of looking like dead-eyed prostitute freaks." no it is not fucking obvious, you creeps! maybe they are just having fun with style and you all hate women? guilty until proven innocent!
she put out four singles this year from her ancient album and tried to come up with the perfect release schedule:
winter: warming and super-affecting semi-ballad (which i sometimes think is the greatest song ever released)
spring: unlikely rock-classical fusion! which sounds like that en vogue "free your mind" song! (spring is a good time for seemingly more ambitious songs because everyone is just happy it got a bit warmer and will give some stupid shit a chance)
summer: the r'n'b banger with themed sticky summer video (ok it's not really that much of a banger but that's cool, it has that terrible faux-dancehall coda which makes it worth listening to!)
christmas: the realer-than-real proper ballad with no handlebars which most spizzazzz non-writers think is better than "beautiful".
now go copy that schedule, megastars!
ahh i love aguilera! just look at these covers, that "can't hold us down" one must be the coolest thing i've seen all year, except for elf. out of all megastar types she elicits the most interesting reactions. at the time c.h.u.d. (chud!) was released all the internet shit about her was like, "oh it's obvious aguilera and lil kim have reached some kind of nadir in the trend of looking like dead-eyed prostitute freaks." no it is not fucking obvious, you creeps! maybe they are just having fun with style and you all hate women? guilty until proven innocent!
she put out four singles this year from her ancient album and tried to come up with the perfect release schedule:
winter: warming and super-affecting semi-ballad (which i sometimes think is the greatest song ever released)
spring: unlikely rock-classical fusion! which sounds like that en vogue "free your mind" song! (spring is a good time for seemingly more ambitious songs because everyone is just happy it got a bit warmer and will give some stupid shit a chance)
summer: the r'n'b banger with themed sticky summer video (ok it's not really that much of a banger but that's cool, it has that terrible faux-dancehall coda which makes it worth listening to!)
christmas: the realer-than-real proper ballad with no handlebars which most spizzazzz non-writers think is better than "beautiful".
now go copy that schedule, megastars!
23.12.03
03: what twista did
on "slow jamz", a song about twista and kanye's favourite songs to play while sexing, a woman's voice comes in (because they sex ladies, ok!) and critiques kanye's verse/sexing performance, telling him he's going too slow, and kanye is like, "damn baby i can't do it that fast but i know somebody who can - twista!!" because twista raps really fast! that's the coolest thing ever! i didn't really check for twista much until a couple of months ago, or maybe i thought of him as novelty and only good for "is that your bitch". his rep is always as a rahzel-style technique-freak of nature crazy dude. to illustrate, here is a picture of him wearing a straight-jacket.
see, that settles it! this rep has obviously hindered him if lazy motherfuckers like me haven't really paid attention. "slow jamz" changed that for a bunch of reasons:
- when he starts mimicking the sample in the background ("i be sippin hennessy / play some r'n'b / while i smoke a b / you can preferably / find that i'm a g") it's straight alchemy like he just pulled the sword out of the rap stone.
- it's always cool to hear rappers talking about other music, they are normally more interesting than some internet tosser.
- "no matter how much of a thug you see / i still spit it like it's r'n'b" is the new guiding principle behind my entire life.
so after that i was like, hold up, did i even listen to that rob them co-hyped rmx of "like a pimp" properly? um, no. twista's whole verse is basically saying "i know full well i'm on 03's heaviest beat!", like he can stretch his flow around the beat and take advantage of being on it for all the people out there who can't! it's love. you don't even have to listen to busta because he's on last! it turns out he also killed the less famous (completely ignored!) other rmx of "mundian to bach ke". his album will probably be one of the highlights of 04.
on "slow jamz", a song about twista and kanye's favourite songs to play while sexing, a woman's voice comes in (because they sex ladies, ok!) and critiques kanye's verse/sexing performance, telling him he's going too slow, and kanye is like, "damn baby i can't do it that fast but i know somebody who can - twista!!" because twista raps really fast! that's the coolest thing ever! i didn't really check for twista much until a couple of months ago, or maybe i thought of him as novelty and only good for "is that your bitch". his rep is always as a rahzel-style technique-freak of nature crazy dude. to illustrate, here is a picture of him wearing a straight-jacket.
see, that settles it! this rep has obviously hindered him if lazy motherfuckers like me haven't really paid attention. "slow jamz" changed that for a bunch of reasons:
- when he starts mimicking the sample in the background ("i be sippin hennessy / play some r'n'b / while i smoke a b / you can preferably / find that i'm a g") it's straight alchemy like he just pulled the sword out of the rap stone.
- it's always cool to hear rappers talking about other music, they are normally more interesting than some internet tosser.
- "no matter how much of a thug you see / i still spit it like it's r'n'b" is the new guiding principle behind my entire life.
so after that i was like, hold up, did i even listen to that rob them co-hyped rmx of "like a pimp" properly? um, no. twista's whole verse is basically saying "i know full well i'm on 03's heaviest beat!", like he can stretch his flow around the beat and take advantage of being on it for all the people out there who can't! it's love. you don't even have to listen to busta because he's on last! it turns out he also killed the less famous (completely ignored!) other rmx of "mundian to bach ke". his album will probably be one of the highlights of 04.
19.12.03
03: what jay-z did
at the beginning of 03, the world was still reeling from jay's putting-out-a-double-album-of-really-good-songs attempt at career sabotage. thank god he bounced back from that one by releasing a single album of really good songs instead! before the comeback, he dropped the amazing s carter collection mixtape. that "bump bump bump" freestyle was so perfect i spat out my double latte (premium coffee being a popular fad at the time). it's probably the wittiest and greatest thing he put out all year, so great that lil missy quoted this line everyday for six months: "i came into this game wantin more paper than puff / now i realize puff paper ain't enough".
once she was done quoting that, "frontin" had been out for a while and suddenly everyone everywhere was saying to their loved one: "anytime your name was brought up i would act all nonchalant in front of a audience / like you was just another shorty i put the naughty on but / truth be told you do me for a loop". if you didn't do it then don't be surprised if your girlf/boyf breaks up with you on christmas eve, having built up a rap-related wall of discontent for half the year.
and there were at least five more great songs jay-z lit up, even though most of the black album was stiflingly heavyweight boringness:
1) put it in the air with mop (still awaiting a proper 12" release!)
2) encore (totally the best song off b.a. until um, kardinal offishall drops his remix version!)
3) crazy in love with beyonce (jay's verse strangely derided by people who are insane)
4) get by (remix) with talib kweli and others (first sign of his winky winky i'm too clever to be gangsta approach but i still love that shit! )
5) 99 problems (totally the second best song off b.a. until i drop my remix version!)
so yeah, the last thing jay did this year was to release an accapella version of the black album for everyone to ruin with their awful jazz-hop beats, a cynical move based on the strange popularity of that nas god's stepson shit. i'm gonna buy it but i'm allowed to be annoyed anyway!
we still love you, jay-hova.
at the beginning of 03, the world was still reeling from jay's putting-out-a-double-album-of-really-good-songs attempt at career sabotage. thank god he bounced back from that one by releasing a single album of really good songs instead! before the comeback, he dropped the amazing s carter collection mixtape. that "bump bump bump" freestyle was so perfect i spat out my double latte (premium coffee being a popular fad at the time). it's probably the wittiest and greatest thing he put out all year, so great that lil missy quoted this line everyday for six months: "i came into this game wantin more paper than puff / now i realize puff paper ain't enough".
once she was done quoting that, "frontin" had been out for a while and suddenly everyone everywhere was saying to their loved one: "anytime your name was brought up i would act all nonchalant in front of a audience / like you was just another shorty i put the naughty on but / truth be told you do me for a loop". if you didn't do it then don't be surprised if your girlf/boyf breaks up with you on christmas eve, having built up a rap-related wall of discontent for half the year.
and there were at least five more great songs jay-z lit up, even though most of the black album was stiflingly heavyweight boringness:
1) put it in the air with mop (still awaiting a proper 12" release!)
2) encore (totally the best song off b.a. until um, kardinal offishall drops his remix version!)
3) crazy in love with beyonce (jay's verse strangely derided by people who are insane)
4) get by (remix) with talib kweli and others (first sign of his winky winky i'm too clever to be gangsta approach but i still love that shit! )
5) 99 problems (totally the second best song off b.a. until i drop my remix version!)
so yeah, the last thing jay did this year was to release an accapella version of the black album for everyone to ruin with their awful jazz-hop beats, a cynical move based on the strange popularity of that nas god's stepson shit. i'm gonna buy it but i'm allowed to be annoyed anyway!
we still love you, jay-hova.
7.12.03
nelly furtado - powerless (say what you want)
the week that "baby one more time" came out, me and lil missy went to the shops. missy was all ready to buy the cd single but, as she will never let me forget, i strenuously advised her to get "cut chemist suite" by ozomatli instead. now listen, that's still a good tune! anyway it seems pertinent to my love of "powerless", i suppose because when n furtado guested on jurassic five and swollen members songs, it was suddenly obvious she was trying to be the diva version of those dudes - which boils down to, 'let's all have really, really self-conscious fun! sometimes with a message!'
the message on "powerless" is about taking the power back from people who try to water down your realness. it comes off a bit like the manic street preachers: "we take the culture and contort / perhaps only to distort what we are hiding." no doubt, nelly! i like the attempt to bridge the gap between universal empowerment anthem and totally unrelatable stuff about being made to look whiter on magazine covers. and i like that banjo!
the week that "baby one more time" came out, me and lil missy went to the shops. missy was all ready to buy the cd single but, as she will never let me forget, i strenuously advised her to get "cut chemist suite" by ozomatli instead. now listen, that's still a good tune! anyway it seems pertinent to my love of "powerless", i suppose because when n furtado guested on jurassic five and swollen members songs, it was suddenly obvious she was trying to be the diva version of those dudes - which boils down to, 'let's all have really, really self-conscious fun! sometimes with a message!'
the message on "powerless" is about taking the power back from people who try to water down your realness. it comes off a bit like the manic street preachers: "we take the culture and contort / perhaps only to distort what we are hiding." no doubt, nelly! i like the attempt to bridge the gap between universal empowerment anthem and totally unrelatable stuff about being made to look whiter on magazine covers. and i like that banjo!
6.12.03
they should call it channel spizzazzz
mastermind troopers are apparently down with dj touchie of musical mob fame. one of them is called lady discreet!
more here.
mastermind troopers are apparently down with dj touchie of musical mob fame. one of them is called lady discreet!
more here.
5.12.03
channel u
when it comes to music channels, we don't normally like to go further than kerrang tv on the digi box because then you get into the sleazy realm of that classical channel that surely no one in the world watches and fucking scuzz (yes, well done for being scuzzy and lame and liking screamcore or whatever and probably not even able to afford to do a jackass rip-off like urrrr dirty sanchez!*), but then on tuesday we discovered channel u! there are at least three reasons why it is amazing:
1) they play pretty much only proper ghetto classics (seen on tuesday: "santana's town" and "ruff ryders anthem", one after the other!) and weird brit-hop/ukg that no one has ever heard of! (the current number one requested video by *cough* mastermind troopers is super heavy and sounds a bit like "i luv u"!)
2) in the round-up of new videos added to the playlist, two were acclaimed for their lack of chorus!
3) the engineers have turned up the bass to wildly unprofessional levels! so everything is louder than on any other station, and even on a shitty tv you will hear bass frequencies on "milkshake" you didn't know existed!
go and watch it right now.
* you know, dirty sanchez is the thing where they do stupid things and laugh ear-splittingly loudly about it. through the entire program. HAHAHAHA SHUT UP!
when it comes to music channels, we don't normally like to go further than kerrang tv on the digi box because then you get into the sleazy realm of that classical channel that surely no one in the world watches and fucking scuzz (yes, well done for being scuzzy and lame and liking screamcore or whatever and probably not even able to afford to do a jackass rip-off like urrrr dirty sanchez!*), but then on tuesday we discovered channel u! there are at least three reasons why it is amazing:
1) they play pretty much only proper ghetto classics (seen on tuesday: "santana's town" and "ruff ryders anthem", one after the other!) and weird brit-hop/ukg that no one has ever heard of! (the current number one requested video by *cough* mastermind troopers is super heavy and sounds a bit like "i luv u"!)
2) in the round-up of new videos added to the playlist, two were acclaimed for their lack of chorus!
3) the engineers have turned up the bass to wildly unprofessional levels! so everything is louder than on any other station, and even on a shitty tv you will hear bass frequencies on "milkshake" you didn't know existed!
go and watch it right now.
* you know, dirty sanchez is the thing where they do stupid things and laugh ear-splittingly loudly about it. through the entire program. HAHAHAHA SHUT UP!